WHY ARE NONE OF YOU HERE WHEN THIS HAPPENS?

Today, on my way home from work, a truck passed me. The truck sped by, and when I looked at the emblem on the door, it said this:

BEAVER LANDSCAPING.

Now, at first, I was like. Heh heh. Beaver.

But then I was like, whoa. Beaver LANDSCAPING? Are you serious? That's a real company name? Awesome.

But really, does the person who calls their company beaver landscaping know what they're doing? Dear Company: You probably shouldn't name your business Beaver Landscaping. Even if you really like Beavers. Even if your last name is Beaver. Even if a beaver saved your child from a burning building and you are forever indebted to him. You still probably shouldn't name your business Beaver Landscaping.

Unless, of course, you shave vaginas. For profit.

*
Today David and I got a membership to Costco, which we share because we considered, for that moment, ourselves "domestic partners."

It was probably a bit unneccesary. Costco is walking distance from my house, which is entirely useless because everything you purchase there weighs at least 40 lbs. and must be carried home in a box. I wanted a membership because I wanted some place to very easily go when I wanted to plan a quick dinner or ran out of deodorant. For some reason, I thought they just might have small or solo things to sell, just in case anyone else in the area had the same idea.

Turns out no.

The most interesting thing about Costco is how it causes you to illogicially consider your needs as a human being. Once you walk into that store, reality no longer exists. First of all, the cart is the size of two carts. You might as well be pushing a taxi cab through the aisles. You feel like a midget. (I can't even imagine what a real midget would feel like in Costco. Probably very sad. You probably buy midgets in bulk there.)

Costco makes you consider questions such as**:

• Do I need 32 snack packs?
• How long, exactly will 5 lbs. of Crisco vegetable oil last me?
• Wouldn't it be cool if I bought that huge thing of tootsie rolls and just set it up in my kitchen and charged people who came over to my house 5 cents for each one they ate?
• Does buying 100 tampons seem odd for just one person?
• Could I eat a 5 pound box of Cheez-its, and how long would it take?
• Where in the hell in your shower would you put a 80 oz bottle of shampoo?

So, this may have not been worth it, but if I am ever craving 30 peanut butter cookies, I'm golden.

**

• Yes, I definitely do need 32 snack packs. I probably should get two cases, just in case.
• Longer than I will live, unless I use it to put on a slip & slide and slide across the lawn in my swimsuit.
• Yes, that'd be kickass, if I wouldn't eat them all myself before everyone came over.
• No, I guess not. I guess it could be something crazy like 150 tampons.
• Yes. 4 minutes and 7 seconds.
• You build a special little shelf and hold it up with waterproof duct tape.