Open letters

To: Lake Nokomis
CC: The City of Minneapolis

Dear Lake Nokomis,

Well hello there, stranger! I hope things are going well for you in the new year. Did Beth yet get over her laryngitis? I was so sad to not hear her beautiful mezzo voice in the church choir this holiday.

Anyway, the reason I’m writing is not only to wish you well wishes. I regret to say that I do have some serious issues that I need to discuss regarding the paved paths circling your frozen self.

Okay. I’m just going to get right to it: I think it’s rather shitty that the paths around the little bridge haven’t been scraped. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, you’ve lived in Minnesota your whole life, right? It’s not as though you were imported from, say, Utah and you don’t understand proper winter etiquette.

The issue involving me, personally, is that I haven’t been running around you in quite awhile. Sad, I know. With two jobs in December and the normal hubbub of the holidays, my fun-runs have been put on hiatus. I’ve been running near my parents’ house in Albertville, but we all know the scenery there is sub-par. I can see gas stations and dirty oil-stained snow anywhere. But the lake? One expects that there be snow only tainted by rabbit tracks and the occasional cross-country ski. One, however, does not expect to be running in this snow at the risk of twisting ankles or getting their socks wet. One does not merely expect to step into the holes that runners before her have made with their shoes. This is sort of awkward, and it makes her run slow. One cannot be preventing injury instead of working on her pacing.

I realize that I didn’t run around all of you today. It was getting dark and I have a lot of things to do this weekend. Perhaps you are clearly shoveled elsewhere, like near the beach. But, well, mostly I have to say that I am disappointed in you. I mean, I thought you’d be able to help me out in this new year, you know? Working this 8-4ish job is such a difference from the schedule I had when I could wake up at 10 in Mankato and run around campus. (Or even run to the free gym!) I’m doing the best I can, and I will continue to do that because staying fit is very important to me (after all, I have spent a lot of money in the last two years on smaller sizes of clothing—I hope to keep these clothes). But I’m going to need your help. If I get off the bus at 4:40 and still find daylight, I’m going to want to go running. But if my next thought is your un-scraped and dangerous paths, I might instead decide that the run isn’t worth it. I might instead eat leftover Christmas cookies or pop in a frozen pizza.

Anyhoo…I hope you get scabies. According to my friend Chad, they’re really tough to get rid of. And maybe they’ll teach you a lesson about looking nice and self-respect. You’re being shitty right now.

Best,

Jean Marie

To: Valtrex
CC: The Marketing Team at Valtrex; Chad; Anyone who owns royalties to the song “Happy Days”

Dear Valtrex,

Well, hello! I got your postcard from St. Thomas! Thank you so much for thinking of me while on your cruise. I hope the scenery was just as glossy and cheap looking as the postcard.

I’m writing you with what I’m calling somewhat of a proposal. I’m cautious about getting a little over-excited here, so forgive me if this letter seems a bit in-your-face.

Now, I know that you think you have a really good thing going with your marketing campaign. You’ve helped a lot of people with herpes stop those “flare-ups” or whatever people are calling them. That’s great! Couples are feeling better about their dirty sex around the country. The fact that you’re contributing to that—well, it’s something to be proud of.

The other night, my friend Chad and I were discussing music, and it just so happened that this discussion led to you. Do you know that song, “Happy Days”? It was at the beginning of that sitcom by the same name that took place in the 50s, with the now director Ron Howard. Henry Winkler also gained popularity on the show with his sexually promiscuous character “The Fonz.” (No doubt, he had the herps? Huh?! Huh?! Ah, yes.)

Anyhoo, the song, if you don’t know it, goes something like: “Sunday, Monday—Happy Days! Tuesday, Wednesday—Happy Days, Thursday, Friday—Happy Days! something-something, something-something Happy Days…I’ve been waitin’ all week for you! These happy days are yours and mine; these happy days are yours and my happy days!”

Chad and I were thinking that it might be an absolutely brilliant idea to use this song in a way that promoted your product. For example, with a simple change of one word, the lyric would be an excellent little jingle:

“Sunday, Monday—Herpes days! Tuesday, Wednesday—Herpes Days! Thursday, Friday—Herpes Days!”

And to wrap it up:

“I can have sex because I use Valtrex—Valtrex, I’ve been waiting all week for you!”

There are a number of objectives/messages we think this campaign can meet:

1) As I mentioned earlier, the character of ‘The Fonz” is known as being sexually promiscuous. I think that a take on being safe would correlate nicely. You could even feature The Fonz in the commercial. I’m sure he’d be all about it, because I don’t think Henry Winkler has done much since Arrested Development or the movie Holes. One may argue that the thought of him having sex is a little sickening, but I beg to differ. The man is a sex icon. And I think, like, a whole shitload of old people have Herpes. I mean, sexual viruses actually strongly increased in the elderly with the introduction of Viagra, because old people started having sex all the time and didn’t think they had to use condoms or dental dams.

2) The same goes for the time period of the 50s. The late 50s was a time when everyone was cautious about sex, but secretly having it everywhere. Men were promising to pull out, and nobody knew what the hell that itching was or where those odd red bumps came from. the 50s were, if you will, the pre-cum of the sexual (ahem) explosion of the 60s. Sex has come a long way since then. Your product exemplifies safe, protected sex while staying disease free. It only proves to be the antithesis to the naïveté of sex from the 50s styles “Happy Days” song. It expresses sexual freedom and responsibility! Wow!

3) I know that you may argue that proclaiming every day of the week as a “Herpes Days” may be distasteful. I must beg to differ. First of all, I find your earlier commercials that come on during the early-evening episodes of CSI distasteful, if not annoying. Watching an over-tanned couple proclaim that one of them has Herpes, while the other stays disease free, all the while lying together on a large rope hammock? What does that convey, other than having sex in public? It’s pretty disgusting. I don’t mean to turn you off to my new marketing campaign by slamming your previous attempts—especially because it seems as though they’ve been successful. I just think this idea could really work for you.

Could really work for us.

Please let me know what you think. Because I am so confident in the success of this campaign, I’ve copied this email to all of the 6 people who own royalties to the song “Happy Days.” Let’s hope we’re all on board.

Disease free since 1993,

Jean Marie