Jeano, asshole.

Today I listened to Ben Stein on MPR, a recording from a speech he gave at Commonwealth in California. In the speech, he quoted Dr. Martin Luther King, referencing America, obviously from the 60s, but relevant today. I don't remember the quotation exactly, but it's something like our problem is that we're a neighborhood, but we're not a brotherhood.

I agree with this. I agree with this for a number of reasons. And the way Ben Stein talked about Dr. King--well, all of this made sense to me. Today was one of those days where I sat at my desk only to second guess myself, my motivations. My contributions to people being shit to each other instead of getting along. And the fact of the matter is--I like to think I'm a humanitarian, but am I, really? I like to think I put other people first, that I can understand life or ideas from their point of view and that this is always on my mind. But is it, really?

I mean, I say thank you to the bus driver everyday. Even when she drives really annoying and jerks the beast of a bus for seemingly no reason and I get really annoyed and I tell myself in my head that I won't thank her or wish her a good evening, I do. I feel rude if I don't. And rudeness is a pet peeve of mine. The biggest, I think. But am I rude? Am I mean? Am I crossing that line of when it's okay to put yourself first and be a little self-aware and just being a selfish asshole?

I say thank you to the bus driver, but I never slide over to the window seat when I'm on the bus because I don't want someone to sit next to me. I don't give homeless people money. I guess I'd say that I'd make sacrifices to help my fellow man and woman, but I don't know how big those sacrifices would be. I want awesome health care, but I get pretty annoyed when $200 comes out of my check for taxes. I mean, I deal with it. But I still want my money. And if I had my money, would I give it to people who deserve it or need it? Naw. I'd probably buy shoes. It's hard to be this honest with myself, but yeah. Pretty sure I'd buy clothes, or save for a new car, or go out to eat 4 times a week.

And this came up because of work. Because I was just thinking of how annoyed and angry and impatient I get at that desk all day, while everyone calls me to ask me questions about this data and can I check on this and do I know how to do this and this and why isn't this working. I don't know the answers to these questions. I try not to sigh or roll my eyes when the phone rings. But I do. And sometimes I make up nicknames for people or "think" things behind their backs. Sometimes the short fat woman walks by and I think there goes big fat Kelly even though I don't want to think that and it's mean. And all I do is eat at my desk all day anyway. Big Fat Jeano.

And then when the guy standing at the vending machine makes some stupid comment about a sign that's been there for 3 months as though it's the first time he's seen it, I laugh gently. Is this the right thing to do? Is it just dishonest, since in my head I'm thinking: what a douche? What if you can't stop yourself from being negative when you don't even want to be? What if you just think: that person has a really ugly face and you don't want to be the kind of person who thinks another person is ugly? How do you force yourself to be kind? What's wrong with me that I think like this, and is this why bad things happen to me sometimes? I'm not the good person I think I am? I just come home and watch TV and write rambling blogs instead of, say, volunteering my free time at a children's museum or working harder at my job? Why don't I put in nine hours a day or work through lunch to help people out? Why am I so selfish that I leave after exactly 8 hours of work and no later? (In fact, maybe earlier?)

Anyway. This is more crazy than I've led on. Because today after all of those phone calls and hating my job and being overall ungrateful for everything, I decided that I just wanted, most of all, to be left alone. I was too exhausted to be nice. I was too exhausted to be tolerant. I decided that wouldn't it be great if I could have a machine that kept people away from me? It could have all of these knives on it, and they could rotate, and then when people wanted to ask me questions, they'd just have to back off and leave me to do my own thing for awhile:

So whenever I was having one of these days, I'd just buckle the belt of the knife rotater. And instead of feeling guilty for hurting anyone on one of these stabby days, they could only blame themselves for walking into it.

Sometimes I hate when I can't turn my brain off.

...

Just heard this, which seems relevant: Lightbulb goes out, someone says: I'll get someone to fix it. Lightbulb goes out for the Catholic, she stands in the dark. Says: What did I do wrong?