(And now he's sideways!) If you remember, we first met this fellow in Wisconsin Dells, just sitting randomly outside a gas station. We took some fun pictures, I gave him a little kiss, and then we had our goodbyes. But Darren and I get to the fair on Sunday--and what do we see in the Midway?--Why, pig-fistin' bear, of course. He's stalking me. And there were two of them. The other one was wearing green overwalls, but he had the same cute little pockets and the same tail that looks exactly like a big poop coming out. That tail is so gross.
Other fun at the fair with Unky Dar--here's us on the BIG SLIDE, only after a giant Dr. Pepper, Pronto Pups loaded with mustard, and a big helping of greasy, squeaky cheese curds, extra grease:
Woo-hoo! Fuck yeah! You had to ride little pieces of carpet down the slide, and they were scratchy and dirty, much like Darren's mom's carpet.
Of course, we got some Sweet Martha's cookies. We got them from the other building, though, not this one, where the cookie is trying way too hard to be sexy. It's actually kind of creepy--the eye winks, but it moves very slowly, so for most of the time (as seen here) the sexy cookie just looks like she has a lazy eye. And also, since she is clearly pigeon-toed and wearing white socks with high heels, this is not a good combination.
Also, the chocolate chips just look like zealous beauty marks. Or skin cancer.
The State Fair has a motto--The Great Minnesota Get-Together--and it also has a mascot, which is this gopher. I'm pretty certain that it looks much more squirrel than gopher-like, but upon further examination of the tail we determined it was a gopher. Plus, that makes more sense with the U of M TC campus right by, and the fact that this is just that fucking gopher Goldy in another costume.
What's most important, though, is that this gopher looks stoned as hell. I have never seen a rodent so fucking high in my entire life.
And then, we met the sonofabitch in real life! Notice his tie is black now and not red, and that his eyes are green instead of blue. Also notice that I made him wear my pickle hat. No, see?! He's pointing at it with his little white gloved hands. What a cool gopher-squirrel. (Actually, Darren and I decided after that we should've asked this to determine what kind of animal he was: Let's say you see a sexy lady squirrel in one corner, and a sexy lady gopher in another corner. Which one do you fuck?)
Eating Snoopy's weiner. What? It's okay you guys. I used to live on the same street where Charles Schulz lived as a child. Give it up for Chicago Avenue! Woo! (I do wonder why Snoopy has decided to wear a turtleneck to the fair, however, because it's usually pretty hot there.)
What Darren found on the bathroom stall (but what he really just wrote in there and took a picture of):
Darren and I didn't realize until about 10 minutes too late that the barns (lamely) close at 6, so when we went to see the cows they were all trailered up to get moooooved home. So I had to cow-poke through the holes. But the cows are so cute. I love the cows. And she licked my hand, which is funny, because she is the one who is delicious. (No, I'm sorry. Actually, my uncle's cows were part of the reason I became a vegetarian for awhile...I would go in the barn and just talk to them and pet their pink noses for awhile. They are just so cute. When they're not going to the bathroom in the gutter or giving birth. Then they're ish.)
We didn't get to see the sheep, either! And apparently when they leave the sheep building, they become Klu Klux Sheep with white hoods and costumes:
We went on the Ferris Wheel and saw this sign...
...which is pretty funny. Actually, it just made me want to ask the Carnie: Excuse me, but what's your policy on "Crybabies"? And then he'd just point to the sign and say NO crybabies. And then there, inevitably, would be a crybaby, and while the kid was crying the carnie would just point to the sign and shake his head back and forth every time the kid looped around. Then, after the kid left he's say to the other carnie workers GODDAMMIT ALMIGHTY. How hard is it to read a sign? There are no crybabies on the ferris wheel. That's all there is, the only rule, goddammit.
Also, I like that there is a license plate on the ferris wheel, just in case it gets pulled over for another DUI in Illinois or because its tabs are expired.
Grease! Here are some hotdogs being made. They go down a conveyor of grease, and you watch them cook from beginning to end:
And then they come out! In a move that Darren named the reverse turd.
Because I had a coupon for it, Darren and I got handwriting analyses. It was pretty fun, actually. You sign your name, and then they put it in this giant (um, fake) computer, and then a printed page comes out that tells you, VERY CORRECTLY AND NOT AT ALL RANDOM, everything about yourself. 
For example, my printout said that I was very respected and organized, and then there was a paragraph or two about how I like order and also spontaneity and how I'm amazingly gorgeous and underrated.
And Darren's just said: SMALL DICK, BIG QUEER. It was really awkward for everyone.
And, Darren, I know I've just been making fun of you this whole time, but you were pretty amazing at the fair. [sings] I...had...the fair of my liiiiife/and I've never felt this way before! The state fair...yes it's true...I owe it all to yooo-ooo-oo-ou.
Darren and I look like brother and sister in this picture. That's really, really gross if I tell you what we did on that ferris wheel.
A good, good way to close out the summer.
4 comments:
It was a damn good time, even though I look really fucking queer in that ferris wheel picture, which is rather ironic considering the vicious porking I gave you only seconds before we snapped that photo.
For the record, I reported the stoned gopher to the U of MNs HR department. We just can't allow our mascot to be totally deeshed and incoherent in public.
It looks like so much fun! Except...oh yeah...I hate the fair.
But I'm glad you guys had fun:) Did you see any uber-trashy people that we could make fun of? In my eyes, that's the only reason to go to the fair - to make fun of people. But I basically do that everywhere I go.:)
MISS YOU.
Darren--over half of the rodents on the U of M campus are stoned. It's the Minnesotan way!
And K, there were plenty, plenty, plenty of trashy people there. PLENTY. Most of them were hangin' out by the McCain/GOP booth. : )
Really, you'd think these people would take off their "costumes" to walk 'round the fair all day. But, no. They still show up in ripped fishnets and with THEIR STUPID UGLY, HOT BABIES IN STROLLERS.
Miss you too!
I hope you had a corn dog for me ...
AND DON'T EVEN SAY YOU DON'T LIKE CORN DOGS BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THEY ARE AMAZING.
Ahem. Guess who went to elementary school in the South and got corn dogs twice a week for lunch? Yeah.
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