reasons we might hate your kids.

Jenny and I were searching through some old emails this week, mostly laughing about how clever the Highland girls + AV can be, and it took awhile--but we found the megalist of baby names that we hate.

Names say a lot about a person. For example, for obvious reasons, I will never like anyone named Reed, and because of my high school arch nemesis, if you're named Alison, you are going to start your day out on my shit list and then have to move yourself over to the "tolerable" list.

Sorry if I offend anyone with this list. Mostly, it's just a matter of opinion. All of us didn't even agree. It's just like the Kool-Aid fight. Jenny thinks grape tastes good, and I think grape tastes like old horse piss. She hates tropical punch, while I think it was taken from the rivers in heaven.

Here are some snippets:

Why I'm writing back already, though, is to talk to you two about names. This school has a very diverse population--less than 50% white. While I've been wanting to email the two of you--especially you, P, with your always-keen stubborn conclusions on names--is a list of these names.

But I haven't been keeping a list other than in my head, because I'm certain someone would find it, and then I'd have to make up some lie like I was pregnant and keeping a list of names that I liked and could name my new baby. If I had been keeping a list, and if I put new names on it, the new suggestions for my baby's name would include:
1) Shirlicia (sure-li-sha) and
2) Phylisa (fill-i-sa or fill-ee-sa)
3) Pearstina.

These are tame compared to some. Is it just me, or is it hard to trust someone named Phylisa who has a PhD? if you were taking a business class from Phylisa, wouldn't you think, yeah, but your name is Phylisa.

Also, since P mentioned her student Chelsea yesterday, I've been thinking how much I hate the name Chelsea. Don't Chelsea's always just seem like 13-year-ols girls who are inevitably going to have a lisp and remain 13 forever? (Chel-thee).

I also think the name Crystal ranks at the top of my list for trashy names. Maybe because I went to elementary school with a girl named Crystal who had a greasy mullet; maybe because there is a city in MN called Crystal that is near-ghetto and dirty and has a gross airport. But who has a baby and thinks: let's name her Crystal. Like after the type of stemware?

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I think it's because there are so many BAD girls' names. Boys' names aren't really BAD, per se, they're usually just really dull. There are a lot of bland boys' names out there.

I used to like the name Lucy, but then I met a Lucy. Here's snapshot:

35;
lives at home with her parents;
weighs upwards of 200 pounds and is not much taller than me;
carries around a small, irritating dog named Bibble who wears sweaters and dresses up for every holiday;
is obsessed with Pooh, the Lion King, and anything Disney;
still wears tight, revealing clothing despite her body size.

I hate it when people kill names.

I actually like Lily as well. I guess back in the day I used to like Tyler as well, but you're right that now it's kind of out of the question. Thank God I never liked the name Reed. Reed. Who names their kid after that stuff that grows in the muck of a swamp?

Blech, Carla. Let's add "Erin" to this list. Now we've officially named all the gross kids of my babysitter from when I was seven, the one that made me take that throw-up medicine because her kids ate those berries in the front yard.

The name "Todd" is ridiculous. As is "Lyle" and "Randy." Mark and I are both fans of the name Dominic for a boy, but I'm afraid it's becoming too popular. That's why my allegiance is primarily to Simon.
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I like Lucy, P.

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It’s no surprise to me that the people we met in workshop happened to have names I hate: Melody, Patricia, Marge.

Sadly, I used to sort of like the name Tyler. That’s been killed and buried. I like Simon, George, Thom (only Thom, not Tom or Thomas). Girls are much harder for me. I can’t come up with a good one to save my life. Maybe it’s because I think preschool boys are cuter?

Brandi
Janine
Jamie
Andrea (or any different emphasis on the various syllables)
Mandy
Becky
Leslie
Tami
Amanda
Jennie
Kay
Marcia
Rhonda
Callee, Caylee, Kayla, or Krista, and especially "Christa"
Kathy
Joanne
Melody

Also: why would you name your son Adam? Have you EVER met a nice guy named Adam? They're all so greasy! All of them!

Right now mine are Simon (boy) and Samantha or Caroline (girl--only I'm sketchy about this one, because I don't want a "Sam" or a "Carol"--actually girl's names are hard in general, there are so many of them). Thank god you emailed me! I was bored enough to be googling "Tahitian Treat." Remember Tahitian Treat?

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Crystal
Brianna, Briana, Bri, Bree
Fallan
Courtney
Monica
Mackenzie
Madison
Kimberly (Kim will do, thank you)
Meredith
Krystyna
Chris, Chrissy, or any variation on Christina
Jessica
Nikki
Misty
Summer
Angela
Lindsey, Lyndsey, Lyndsie
April
Kayla
Valerie

I hate fewer guy’s names.
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What would you add to the list, eh? Go ahead. Nobody will get mad at you. I'll name some of my cousins and aunts:

Cindy
Becky
Patty
Karen
Jeanette
Nancy
Shelly
Nikki
Carla
Gaylon
Scott
Keith
Stacy

My brother Travis was almost Adam, but my aunt gave birth to her boy a couple of months before my mom did. She named him Adam. I'm glad I don't have a brother named Adam.

Also, hated from last year's most popular names:

Aidan
Bradan
Kadan
Jaden
Elijah
Galvin
Tristan
Chase (honey, let's name our boy after the dog in that Homeward Bound movie!)
Keegan
Sebastian
Hayden
Zander
Micah
Asher
Maddox
Hunter
Gage
Colton
Finn (?)

Cailyn
Caitlyn
Kaylee
Addison
Aleah
Arianna
Kylie
Alanna
Annalise
Sadie
Faith
Riley
Ashlen
Payton
Avery
Autumn
Brooke
Aaralyn
Aurora
Taylor
Alexia

Kind of pessimisstic, I suppose. Let's guess how many of these kids will be in my classes this fall. Actually, these will be my students:

TOP NAMES OF 1992

Michael
Ashley
Christopher
Jessica
Matthew
Amanda
Joshua
Brittany
Andrew
Sarah
Brandon
Samantha
Daniel
Emily
Tyler
Stephanie
James
Elizabeth
David
Megan