Retired Transformers and Blow Job Robots.

Last time I went home, I found that my dad had purchased a new revolving fan. Not really news, I know, although he was pretty excited about the "good deal" he'd got on the thing at Sam's Club.

But then, between rotations, I saw that the brand name of the fan was "OPTIMUS."

I stood up, looked at my mom: WHERE IS THE TAPE.

Of course, the tape was where it always was, above the desk. WHERE IS A MARKER I said, and a marker was where a marker always is, in the desk. Then I came back upstairs and did this:

As always, my mom asked me what the hell I was doing, and I said OPTIMUS PRIME. DAD BOUGHT A TRANSFORMER FAN! Then I proceeded to explain to my mom how it was absoultely hilarious that this fan was named "Optimus Prime." Like it really used to be the Transformer, Optimus Prime, turning into a semi-truck and battling other Transformer robots and everything, but then one day--one day Optimus decided it was time to retire, and to keep himself busy during retirement became a revolving fan. Used to be a semi, now a fan. Just chillin', ha ha ha.

Well yeah, Barb, Dad said. More than meets the eye.

This, I would argue, is the coolest thing I've done all summer. Travis! I said. Did you see what I did to the fan?!

Travis said, Who cares.

*

A couple of weeks ago, when Liz and I were in Stillwater watching the TSB perform (and also a drunk woman falling in the river), we found ourselves doing Jean and Liz things and somehow ended up inventing a "Blow Job Robot" and exactly the experiment to go with it. Our research question was: Does the size of a man's genitalia determine how quickly he will ejaculate during oral sex?

I know it sounds pretty vulgar, but we looked at this rather scientifically. Our experiment takes very random samples of men, but also uses variety in race and age. The sample is 250. The robot is able to perform the exact same procedure on each subject. (This is why you need a robot, and not just some slut (or some gay teenage boy who needed practice) who would do it for free.)

The most important part is that you have to make the men unconscious before letting the robot proceed, in case there were men who were intimidated by the robot or men who were especially attracted to the robot, which would affect time before arousal and ultimately ejaculation. Liz has suggested using a pressure point that makes men pass out; my suggestion is to knock them unconscious by punching them in the face.

Anyway. We went into much more detail than that, and I'm certain that our conversation to an outsider was the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever heard. But this is the perfect opportunity for Liz to finally use her lab coat.

Here are our plans:

"Robot Blow Job

Need: Scotch Guard on Lab Coats, goggles, sexy lab, and blow job robot.

sample 250 US men, need full demographics, age, race, virgin?, recent food eaten, medical history, etc.

Q: Circumcision?

subjects can't masturbate for 2 days beforehand.

1. weigh body, mass

2. weigh junk, get % BMI

3. measure junk, flaccid

4. caliper: ball size--circumfrence?

5. knock out (pressure point)

--know how to continue unconsciousness w/o affecting O2 saturation/brain O2 levels?

--w/o sedative compromise

6. attach heart monitor, other cool gadgets, BP cuff, etc.

7. Bring on Blow Job Robot!

8. BJR: Simple arousal program

9. measure junk engorged and weigh --donate sperm to sperm bank?

10. record aperture of BJR opening, etc.

11. BJR robot preparation

12.time interval from program start to orgasm initiation

13. time length of orgasm, measure quality and quantity of sperm

14. measure length of time between orgasm completion to flaccidity

15. clean up, remove monitors, clothe subject

16. Awaken subject

17. afterglow interview--do you remember any of it?, do you feel like you had sex, got raped?, do you want to go again?

18. after 1 week, redo experiment, same subject, but conscious"

"19. analyze all results

20. publish extensive articles, profit

21. avoid lawsuits"

Isn't Liz the greatest? You may think this is disgusting, but this experiment is pretty well designed. Let's talk validity and reliability here, folks. Now all we need is 250 test subjects, sponsorship from KY to fund our project, and someone who can build a robot with a cum bucket for a stomach.