The sorta resolution, sorta reflective sorta list sorta sorta post.

I left Albertville today after eating ice cream for breakfast and then going back to sleep to see if I could sleep away the dizziness before hitting the road. I didn't go for a run because it was raining when I re-woke at 1:00, so I packed my stuff, set it by the door and took it out to the intrepid one by one. I wanted to do it quickly, before my mom got home--that way I could just write the note to my parents that I'd formed in my head--Thanks for the presents, love them all, really, will use the silly stuffed "puppy" as the first toy for the dog I'll get in a couple of months. I guess I'll see you when I see you, it's up to you when it happens.

But I heard the garage door squeak, and mom came in to see my stuff lined by the door. I thought you were leaving the 30th, she said. No, I told you I was leaving today, I told her without looking at her.

When did you tell me that?

I believe it was right before you told me the other day to "fuck off." And I loaded another bag in the car.

She hung out in the kitchen until I finished packing, picking at the cookies on the cookie plate without really eating them. I sort of summarized the note. Thanks for the presents. When I see you is up to you.

I'm sorry you have to feel this way, she said. I let that go. No use fighting now. Give me a hug goodbye. I haven't hugged my mother in years. It was a horrible hug. I love you, she said, as the screen door shut. I said it back. Neither of us has said that in years, either.

I sorta like my mom, but she also sorta pisses me the fuck off. Like, she gets it, but she doesn't do anything about it. I conclude that she sorta loves me. She won't defend me, but watching me leave days before I should because I can't be in that house makes her sorta sad. It makes me sorta sad too, and I half-cried in the rain on the way home, half-cried as I moped around the Christmas clearance at Target, half-cried as I filled up with gas, sorta cried as I listened to all of that news on MPR on the way home.

*

I spent Christmas with Liz, mostly at Southdale AMC, watching movies. First, we went to the afternoon show of Spirit, which luckily was nothing about a cartoon horse. Somebody bring me a tie. And it better be red. A good show. Our plan was to see Valkyrie immediately after, but the next show wasn't for a good three hours, so our plan was to find a Chinese Christmas dinner. Mainly where do the Jews go on Christmas? That's where you'll find us.

We found ourselves on Lake Street, which I today learned was the place where the 35th Minneapolis murder took place on Christmas morning. We found a Chinese place, ordered, brought it back to Liz's. She taught me the meaning of "interrobang." Then we headed back to AMC, and by the show of some Christmas miracle, ran into Darren there, who, the queer of the year, had just got done seeing Milk all on his own. (The movie that the Good Doctor had brought his mother to a couple of weeks ago, as sort of a "test," which she failed miserably. Nobody told the Good Doctor about all the sexy male on male kissing, and poor Mrs. Bane spent most of the movie digging in her purse for a piece of gum that she knew wasn't there.)

Our plan, then was to see Valkyrie, but as we were standing in line it sold out. So, instead, the three of us found Frost/Nixon, a good show, and then we decided to sneak into the late 10:35 Valkyrie which was also amazing.

*

I got to Elgin today, sorta unpacked, then decided I was in desperate need of some good music, so I downloaded The Who's "Squeeze Box," which has been in my head for a good week and a bunch of other stuff. Played guitar, then, for a good three hours until my fingers were sore, and even cut my fingernails to commit to a good jam session on the acoustic. Feeling dizzy, still, which is disappointing, because I'd been doing so well for the last couple of days. Didn't read the reading I sorta wanted to start tonight, didn't sorta plan like I sorta wanted. But I did put on some sweats and did 40 minutes of kickboxing, which I consider a fair commitment after eating the rest of the chocolate I had in the house so I can officially start the weight loss competition with James without any outside temptation lurking in the cupboards. I've dumped all of the clothes from my room onto the futon in the living room, and again I find myself amazed at the amount of clothing I have--the mounds it makes, heaps of clothes-snow formed by the wind. Plus all the wrinkles; I hate, hate, hate ironing.

I've sorta come up with some new things for myself to try in order to keep up the running/exercise regimen that I've done quite well for the last week. James and I, starting at the new year, plan to have a weight loss competition. He'll win, because I think he weighs more than I do and also because he's a male, but competition always brings out the best in me. Here's what I'm doing:

*Not eating red meat anymore. Not that I eat it that often, but I just don't want to be a red-meat eater anymore. I'd go back to vegetarian, but I don't think I have that much commitment in me; plus, it's annoying as hell to explain to people that you're a vegetarian after the saw you hoovering a roast beef sandwich last week.

*Not eating fried foods anymore. Yup. Goodbye, french fries. You will be missed.

*Forcing myself to go to the gym, after school, at least 3 times a week. I like running on that track, and if it's nice, I'll run outside at the school with my new Nike/ipod hat.

Here's what I will never, ever give up:

*Chicken.

*Coffee.

*Chocolate.

*Coke Zero.

*Basically, I guess, anything that starts with a C.

I had this silly idea in my head that I would start buying things that were only on Clearance, ever, just to see if it would save me money (it wouldn't, I would obviously just buy more, and when it comes to clothes and shoes this is pretty much how I roll anyway). But then I thought of how funny it'd be if this was something that moved over into grocery shopping--like I only bought clearance groceries. I'd have to live off lima beans in a dented can and Halloween cake mix and adult diapers from a ripped plastic bag. Clearance groceries are disgusting.

I made out well for Christmas. Let's list:

*An electric blanket, which will keep my warm in this cold, cold, cold house.

*A spice rack.

*Shakespeare's complete works.

*From Dingleberry and my sister (Hm.), a canvas Elvis picture of him reading fan mail.

*A stuffed dog, because I wrote "puppy" on my Christmas list.

*A Nike/ipod hat, with built in earphones--slide the ipod right on top--it's amazing.

*A new Nike/ipod mile monitor, since I lost the little piece to my last one.

*Two new cookie sheets, good ones, too. Mom said, even nicer than mine.

*A Cub gift card.

*Simpons, season 10.

*Office, season 3.

*From David, an authentic Mayan calander.

*From Shan, little canisters! So cute. And, don't be mad, Shannon, but I did use them all for pills.

*From Jenny, amazing spices and oils from our favorite Green Bay store.


God, I want some french fries.