Today I had to lay some smack down. Yesterday I wrote a list that could teach me to be mean, because right now I'm way too nice.

How to be Mean to Students OR Ways I Can Finally Earn the Uncle-Given Nickname “Mean Jean”

Stop waiting for them to be quiet, patiently. If there are more issues with the talkative class—even if they’re talking about Englishy (shut up, that’s a word) things. During stern conversations about being serious, don’t mention that they are puppies who pee on the floor. Don’t make jokes. Don’t blame myself for their misbehavior, even as a joke.

Practice mean faces in the mirror, particularly the one raised eyebrow and looking over my glasses.

Remember: Students may think I’m fun, but they’ll only take me seriously if I take the time to act serious in class.

I care about English, so it makes sense that I expect them to take it seriously.

Don’t rush through the important things to make a joke. Even if I have a really good one.

When they’re not listening to the serious parts, when they’re not taking notes, when they’re yawning during discussion, take the time to remedy that behavior immediately. Call them out on it.

Use a calm, steady tone when reminding them about misbehavior. Make eye contact with them. Stop trying to soften everything with my wit and impeccable timing. There is time for that later.

Imagine every student is my sister. Smell the evil and sloth steaming out of their pores. I am mean to her, vile, even. A classroom of Amanda’s will bring out the aggressive side of me.

Or, channel my mother in a moment where she finds that I have left my clothes on the bathroom floor again or left makeup powder all over the sink or put my glass “right next to” the dishwasher instead of “in.”

Serious moments will make the funny moments even more hilarious. In the sense that couples fight for the make-up sex.

Stop thinking students will be “hurt” if I am mean to them. They feel about me how they do, that relationship is there.

Space out the meanness. Don’t yell at them for 20 minutes one day and then the next pretend like nothing happened.

Remember the mantra of a friend: So what if I’m a bitch? Sometimes women have to do the teaching thing differently. Take pride in this. Stop wishing I’m a male, sometimes for the “aggressive” reasons. Do the womanly thing and manipulate students into giving me what I want. Then accuse them of calling me fat.

Stop whining in front of the class. Don’t make “deals” with them for good behavior, expect it.

For the love of God, stop taking time to argue with them. It’s what they want, and there is no time.

Talk more with my eyes.

Remember that I am smarter than them. It is my job to impart this wisdom. It is my job to make them listen. If they learn anything, it should probably be discipline.

Stop thinking about it. Stop them. Seriously stop them, and stop them seriously.

There can be learning in shame.

Take students aside before class, and in conversations with them, make eye contact and ask what they need. If students are often late, make a note to them to stay after class to have a conversation with me. Talking to them is the easy part, really. Much easier than getting frustrated with inattention or behavior issues on a daily basis. Stop thinking about it so much, especially now that this list is complete.

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Now you tell me how to be mean.