teachin' stories, 4 weeks out

Today I marked a student tardy--I like to scream tardy! as loud as possible while I mark them with the yellow TDY box on the computer. Then, he said if I marked him TDY that I was fat, and I thought it was the funniest thing ever, that I was fat if I marked him TDY. I marked him TDY. You can even call me tardy lardy, if you want, tardy lardy two by four, can't fit through her classroom door. Students gasped. They said, you're not fat at all! And I just kept laughing.

A student handed in his ode today: "Ode to the pencil in Ms. P's hair."

Another student wrote about "fingering" his cello "in her hole." Mr. O and I decided to have a conversation about that poem with him. Eighth grade called, Mr. O essentially said. I said, gross.

I dared a student to put a whole square rice krispie bar in his mouth so his cheeks would be square. He did, and then it got sort of stuck and then he spit the whole thing out at once, as though he'd birthed an entire rice krispie bar, all slimy and newly born.

Today in the library we played "EVERYBODY HELP MS. P FIND HER GRADEBOOK!" It was really fun.

Today in the library students read aloud their personal research about Bram Stoker, it says he like necrophilia. That means sex with dead bodies!

I agreed to be in a movie for some students after school. Nobody, fortunately, got the joke when I said, you know when people said "wanna be in a movie" to me when I was in a college I wound up in a loootta trouble!" I played a Chemistry teacher in the movie. I had to pretend to hand out a test. The movie is about a kid who has to pee during the test. I had to film a scene where I enjoyed a cool drink of water from a water bottle--the squirty kind--all sexy and refreshing like. I poured water--cold water--down the front of my blouse in front of my fake-student classroom of 20 kids. I'll let you know when the movie comes out, unless I look fat in it. Then you'll never know.