So here's the deal with today.

Today sucked ass. Big fat ass.

A bunch of my students totally bombed their Huck Finn final test (Shannon, I know you didn't read it either, but at least you were a good student who didn't pretend you did...or did you?) and the number of them that did so really pissed me off.

I mean, I knew some of them were just copying their homework from others, but I didn't realize it was that many. Then I felt like a shitty teacher, because I convinced myself that only shitty teacher's students cheat, because a good teacher's students would be so excited and motivated about school that they wouldn't even feel the need to cheat.

And I handed back the tests today, and I said: I am extremely disappointed in these tests. These tests are an indicator to me about those who actually did do the work and those of you who did not do the work, and I can't believe so many of you took the easy way out. I know that people in this class have been cheating on quizzes and copying homework--I know that's the choice some of you have made. And I'm sorry that some of you did that, I really am. I'm sorry that some of you are willing to live with your moral conscience of cheating for a measly 6 points per week, and I'm sorry that you didn't read the book, because it's actually a really good book. I'm sorry that you're the kind of people who are okay with someone else doing work for you, and I'm sorry that I was so, so, so naive that I trusted some of you, that I trusted that you would take credit for only work that you did. Because, really, the only thing that is going to happen to you cheaters is that you aren't going to be ready for 10th grade. And you've just proven to me that you do your own work, getting 50% on a really easy book test.

My teacher heart was broken today, it really was. I blamed myself for so many things. I learned so many "teacher lessons" today about "what to take away for my future classes" my head is throbbing. Too many lessons in one day. It hurts. I brainstormed and brainstormed ways to fix it for next time. I even asked my "stupid" class for ways to fix it for next year--and they actually told me how they'd cheated this time around and what I could fix for next year. Can you believe they just told me? I guess all you have to do is ask, and you shall learn. They told me some of their tricks that I'd never have even thought of. I shared them with other teachers who said, no shit! I wouldn't have even thought of that to cheat. No shit.

Anyway, I feel that all I did today was bitch and bitch and bitch and feel like a bitch and feel crabby as fuck and snap at kids that I love (did you know that at least 40 times a day I hear do we need our books today? do we need our books today? as they come into my classroom? Guess what: YOU NEED YOUR TEXTBOOKS EVERY FUCKING DAY STOP ASKING ME OR I WILL FUCKING PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT; did you know that kids think it is okay to interrupt you in a conversation with another teacher that is obviously private and personal to ask you--to interrupt--Ms. Prokott, do we need our book today? Ms. Prokott can I go get a drink? Guess what: I AM AN ADULT IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ADULT CONVERSATION AND YOU JUST WALKED IN BETWEEN IT LIKE YOUR QUESTION ACTUALLY FUCKING MATTERS). Today was a big pile of shit. My 3rd hour (hate them) students were so bad, I made them walk from the library back to my classroom in alphabetical single file because they couldn't shut their fucking mouths in the hallway for the 2 minute walk. This is so dumb, they said.

This is where I'm going with this: today sucked, but I had a therapy appointment. At 2:00. So I left school during prep, heated and heated and fuming with anger, and I sat down in the chair, and my doctor said: I have something to tell you. And I scrunched my face and she said:

I see one of your students here--I obviously can't tell you who--but I was talking to her, and she was talking about school, homework. And I asked her if there was anything she liked about school, and she started talking about English class, and how much she loved it, and I asked her who her teacher was, and she said--Ms., Mrs.--she's really young, Ms. Prokott. And she said that English has just opened up so many doors for her, and she loves your class, and she is excited about it and she is inspired by the stories.

And I cried and cried and cried.