One of my many impossible wishes would be to observe my Mankato group of friends as a bunch of elementary schoolers.
You know. The Muppets had Muppet Babies. Scooby Doo had that stupid spinoff show with the Scooby Doo kids. Tiny Toons, even that Lil' Bush show on Comedy Central.
Why can't that be us? I mean, what would've happened if Lil' Jean met Lil' Christina and Lil' Jenny on a playground in third grade? And then, what if Lil' Chad showed up and we all went to his house to play Nintendo and Barbies? And Lil' Darren stood in the corner and tried to get all of the girls to play his disgusting version of Show & Tell. And Lil' Christina gets mad at Lil' Liz for using her crayons in class because they are all "not sharp" anymore, and Lil' Liz doesn't care and turns the crayons into a science experiment and melts them with electricity or something. And then Lil' Liz explains the physics of it while Lil' Christina starts crying, but Lil' Ben comes over and consoles her. And he's always walking around with that basketball tucked under his arm because he's so cool. And Lil' Truman pees on the floor.
Lil' Kristin won't play outside because she doesn't want to get dirty, and all of us--all of us--are so jealous of her Girbaud jeans and pink shirt we want to cry. Lil' Matt is drawing cartoons in the corner. He's secretly Teacher's favorite.
Of course, the Lil' Good Doctor is here, too. I know for a fact that he got in trouble a lot during his elementary school days for pinching girls in the butt really hard and claiming that it "was a bee!" That's what he'll be doing. He'll be hanging around Lil' Darren talking about body parts, and he'll be best friends with Lil' Jean but sometimes in the winter he gives her white washes and she cries and snow comes out of her nose.
Then Lil' Jean and Lil' Jenny command--command--that someone take them out for pizza so they can cash in their Book It! buttons. And then Lil' Jean has a birthday party and everyone makes their own puffy paint t-shirts and watches some movie that is about 4 ages more mature than they are, like Adventures in Babysitting. Lil' Chad starts crying at the party because he misses his mom, and it's a sleepover, but Lil' Darren refuses to go to bed because he's had way too much Mountain Dew, and then Lil' Liz and Lil' Jean and Lil' Jenny and Lil' Christina play Girl Talk, but the zits are all gone because Lil' Darren stole them and put him down his pants in hope that the girls would go searching for them.
WHY CAN'T THIS REALLY HAPPEN? Why can't Lil' Jean, Jenny, and Christina start a uniformed system where they swap Babysitter's Club books and then assign themselves characters in the book, so when something happens to that character it is detrimental to our personal lives? I get to be Stacey. Jenny is Mary Ann.
Christina, you have to be Kristy.
Same shit, different outfit.
3 comments:
Coming right up: my collie baseball cap, my after-school job coaching Little League softball, my mother's remarriage to a rich man named Watson, and the persistent rumors that I am in fact a lesbian.
Oh my god this is an awesome post. See, I couldn't be any character in the Babysitters Club. Everyone wanted to be Stacey. And I love fashion and stuff like Stacey, but let's be honest. No one in The Babysitter's Club was a huge bitch. Sometimes Kristy. But really, I'd be a huge bitch that happened to be good with kids. And which character is that? Not California-cool Dawn. Not meek Mary Ann. Not Asian, trendy Claudia. Not fashionista, diabetic Stacey. And not possibly-lesbian Kristy.
I'm more like one of the Plastics in Mean Girls. Or Bianca in Ten Things I Hate About You. Because "I like my Sketchers, but I LOVE my Prada backpack." Then her friend says, "But I love my Sketchers." Bianca says, "That's because you don't have a Prada backpack." The friend says, "Ohhh!" Yeah. Bianca.
Holy shit did I digress:) Miss you Jeano!
Soon afterward, Lil' Darren discovers science fiction, which leads him to Dungeons & Dragons, which turns him into a hopeless nerd, something he'll be for the rest of his life.
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