End of Green Bay Days.

A panic attack this morning when the ipod stopped working on the run. The songs would play one second, skip to the next, move through the list. I couldn't turn it off so I pulled out the earbuds, held it in my sweaty palm and finished the workout. And with a sideache.

Thought of the shitty situation: leaving tomorrow, and with the radio stolen, the ipod my only music.

But I restored it. It works now, after taking off all the songs and putting them back on. Thank God. Surprise, too, that I fixed something technology related. I fucking fixed it.

*

I've been having issues with time for awhile, but especially since I've been in Green Bay. At the same time it feels like I arrived yesterday and it feels like I've been here for at least three months. The lawn day weekend, the fourth of July weekend, the job offer from Hutchinson--all feel like something from half a year ago, at least a couple of seasons ago, instead of the start of the summer. The year at Century? I can't remember how it started. I can't remember the everyday. And it still feels like seasons until school starts again. I can't envision my classroom, I can't motivate myself to really plan lessons, I can't accept that I'll be going at my own classroom, all on my own. The thought of living in Albertville until October makes me a little sick, but I really have no choice; no money; two months longer without my bed; the thought of the busy schedule that coordinates with eaching. I've forgotten what it's like to not be lazy.

Secretly, I'm glad I didn't work this summer. Secretly, I'm glad I didn't have to work with customers, wake up and go to work. I hate myself for this. I need work to start so I no longer feel like such a slug, so useless, such a bum, such a mooch. I need the students. I need my career.
But how long is it going to take to start, and how long is it going to feel like it takes to start?

Jenny & Mark have taken such good care of me these six weeks. But it's time to leave and start planning. This summer, I guess, I've just put my life on hiatus. Thought of things I'd do if I had money, didn't have creditors calling three times an hour, didn't hate myself for not working even though I suppose I really could have. Hopefully, it's just a pause between studenthood and adulthood, or careerhood. The last time I'll play these games, have to have friends buy me lunch all the time, have to feel ashamed or lazy. I hope this is the last summer I have to make excuses. I spent a lot of the last couple of months feeling like I don't deserve the good things that are happening to me. But also not the horrible things that are happening to me.

It's the summer before I go back to school to teach, not to be a student. To start the next big part of life that eight years of college took me to reach. I keep thinking of what I expect it to be like, but I really have no idea. Other than a lot of work. And what if I just get so busy and overwhelmed I just wish for the days of brokeness, of summer 2009, when I gave myself no responsibility. When I took no responsibility.