Dear Ms. Christina,
I have a couple of questions for you, and I hope you don't mind that I consolidate and put them into one query.
First of all, whenever I walk out into my front yard here in Huchinson, Minn., it smells like vag. At first, I thought it was just a vag in the wind, but then, I went running and I noticed that many of the trees here smell like fishy vaginas! And one of them happens to be in my front yard!
So, I guess my question is: is there such thing as a vagina tree? And if I spray that thing with some Summer's Eve, can I get rid of that vaggy stink?
Secondly, yesterday after drying and straightening my hair, I was putting on some mascara (Cover Girl Lash Blast!), and I lost hold of the mascara brush and dropped it into my hair! It left a ridiculous black streak, and I tried washing it out in the sink, but it just got stickier.
How do you get mascara out of blonde hair? Does peanut butter work? Or gum? Have you personally ever committed this folly?
I guess that's it! Thank you so much! And a happy May to you, Ms. Christina.
Sincerely,
Billy's Mom
Hutchinson, Minn.
Same shit, different outfit.
4 comments:
Make up remover...like cliniques...that would work. <issed you today atthe AIDS Walk. And during the 6 cocktails at McGoverns & Liffey afterwards!
The same way you get man goo out of your hair I'm sure. Would have thought you'd be an expert on that by now...
Hi, Billy's Mom:
I would bet anything that the tree in question is white and flowering. If yes, that's a Bradford Pear tree, and yes, they smell. They stink. In fact, my colleagues and I held a rather impassioned conversation about these variety of tree, since our campus is COVERED in them, and it was generally agreed that the scent closely resembles:
a) semen
b) a vagina
c) sex
For real. These trees stink.
In response to your second query, the best way to remove mascara from your hair is to adopt the hairstyle of Lori Petty in "Tank Girl."
Hey, remember when Miss Christina was supposed to answer all those questions about sharks last December? And then she never did? What. A. Bitch.
So, to recap: cut your hair and stay indoors for a week or so.
Miss Christina
Miss. C.,
Fantastic! Thanks for such a timely response. You know your shit!
I've checked my tree, and it has little white flowers. But I think the neighbor's tree has bigger white flowers. It is vag-tastic.
Sincerely,
Billy's Mom
P.S. Do you think "Vag in the Wind" is a good name for my upcoming indie rock album.
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